Errands In La…

Right when they wake up, most people try to think or jot down things or errands they want to get done that day. Whether that’s right when they open their eyes, when they’re on the toilet, or making their morning coffee. -it’s normal. We all do it… Well, I hope you do. 

When I did this recently, I got to thinking about how different running errands is in LA from most other states. I grew up in Arizona and let’s just say, it’s a whole other game over here. 

There’s a MASSIVE difference in LA between “what I’d like to get done” and “what I realistically CAN get done” today. The list of things you can get done in a day in LA can be written on a Tic Tac. I really don’t know why people actually buy those long note pads to write stuff on. It’s like they REALLY think they will cross off 20 to-dos for the day. Well, they ain’t fooling anyone. Throw the note pads away and just stick with the Tic Tacs, folks. 

Since you can only make 2-3 errands a day, you must prioritize adequately. Important things like: 

1. Get toothpaste because you’ve already squeezed/contorted and asked your significant other to get that LAST DRIBBLE of toothpaste on your brush. 
2. Get toilet paper because your butt is chafed from using paper towels and cotton balls.  

THOSE are the ride-or-die errands. You ride. You commit. You must go.  

Now, most people would be thinking – Okay, why are we talking about errands? Just go get in your car and get the toothpaste and toilet paper. Well, that’s what ordinary people think. But before you even step foot into your car in LA, there are several things you must consider and have with you before your departure.  

Here are just a few things to consider: 

1. The TIME it takes to get to your destination. What time of the day is it? Is there traffic? 
2. Will I need to pee by the time I get there? Will there be a bathroom close by? If not, what’s plan B for the toilet? 
3. Do I need to pack a small lunch? 
4. Will I need to pay for parking? If yes, with gas prices as high as the Matterhorn, will I have enough money for gas and to pay for parking? 
5. Is it really worth me going at this point?  

So many things to consider. Really, it’s comical…

For example, say I want to go to Target. I mean, everyone loves Target. If you don’t, good, you’re saving a boatload of money. 

In AZ, I know it will take me 10 minutes from my house. I get in my car, spend that money, and come back. It could be a 20-minute trip if I put some pep in my step. EASY PEASY. Could even grab a nice little Jamba juice on the way back.  

Now in LA, you MUST block off an hour per errand. Common knowledge. The absolute worst is when you miscalculated your errand time, and now you are diagnosed with “mid errand anxiety.” You know that time when you ask yourself – I gotta be home in 30; do I stay on course to Target or do I turnaround and go back home?” It’s the worst feeling when you have to just turn around mid-errand. That’s just a silent DRIVE OF SHAME. 

People always ask LA drivers why we’re constantly speeding, running red lights, not using turn signals, driving like psychos. Well, just so you know – we are psychos for living here. We know our presence here means we have less time than everyone else in the US. We’re probably running an errand when we cut you off.  

We drive around like maniacs for several reasons: 

1. LA lacks bathrooms. No businesses let you use their bathrooms, so we’ve all gotta get back home or find somewhere to answer nature’s call. I’m surprised there’s not an app out yet that tells you where open bathrooms are in your vicinity.  
2. If we didn’t speed, we’d never get home. We may as well just stay and sleep at the office (which could get called into question for other reasons…). 
3. As I said earlier – good chance we’re speeding our tails off because we completely miscalculated our errand times. 

So yeah, running errands in LA is really just one big anxiety-ridden adventure. 

You’re basically preparing for a small hike by yourself. You’ve always got your keys, wallet, phone, water, small lunch, extra clothes. You have no idea how long the hike will take, but you have the means to survive. 

So when you see us all speeding around on our mini hikes, give us some grace. We could be rushing home for family dinner, trying to find a bathroom to avoid defecating in our Teslas, or just running an errand and have caught a horrible case of “mid-errand anxiety.”